


you're my impulse control ( and without you, i make mistakes )

by smartbuckley



Series: Buddie Codas [6]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Buck talks about the therapist, Buckley Sibling Bonding, Established Relationship, Fix-It, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Street fighting, episode coda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2021-01-23 07:02:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21316117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smartbuckley/pseuds/smartbuckley
Summary: Post episode 3x06 that takes place during Bobby and Buck's breakfast and moves on from there. A scenario as to what happens when Buck finds out about Eddie's street fighting activities.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Series: Buddie Codas [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1527032
Comments: 31
Kudos: 451





	you're my impulse control ( and without you, i make mistakes )

**Author's Note:**

> And here I am with another buck/eddie fanfiction. I've been working on this since the episode ended last week and got distracted by other things before finishing it tonight. I hope you guys enjoy this. Please note, Maddie has an anxiety talk and Buck talks about how he feels dirty after having sex with his therapist, so if that triggers you, stay safe. There's also some yelling at Bosko. Enjoy, folks.

Breakfast with Bobby was -- it was like forgetting everything that had happened and starting over again, their talk in the back of his mind, especially now that Bobby knew how he felt about everything. There was no awkwardness and no agitation, not when they had discussed everything from how Buck had been feeling isolated and alone, and Bobby had felt like Buck was making the same mistakes that Bobby had made. There were no words left unsaid, nothing new needed to be hashed out, and by the time Bobby and Buck had finished breakfast, well into the morning, Buck had felt like everything was going to work out fine for the two of them, especially with a better understanding of what both of them had gone through and believed. Despite all of that, however, Buck still had quite a few things running through his mind during the breakfast -- things that wouldn’t leave him alone, no matter how hard he tried, and he knew Bobby had caught onto that shortly before they ended the morning.

“Everything okay?” Bobby had asked, both men by the counter to pay out their bill while Buck frowned, shaking his head before shrugging his shoulders.

“How often has Eddie been showing up to work bruised?” He asks, biting the inside of his cheek as he watches Bobby frown in response, his eyes roll back slightly as he tries to think of the amount of times Eddie  _ has _ been showing up to work bruised. Buck immediately feels his heart plummet down into his stomach, knowing that he’s been the only to actually notice something going on with his best friend, and he can’t help but feel like he’s failed Eddie again, failed him in so many ways. 

“No idea?” Buck responds for the captain, grimacing when Bobby nods in response, blowing out a breath as he finds himself frowning, wondering. “It was a pretty big bruise, Cap. You’re sure you don’t remember seeing similar on him while I’ve been gone?” Buck asks once more, letting out another breath before shrugging his shoulders as his phone rings with the ringtone he uses for Maddie.

“I should get this,” Buck responds, nodding his head towards the waitress as he places down the money he owes for his portion of breakfast before clapping Bobby on the shoulder. “See you tomorrow?” He asks, needing to be sure, letting out a breath of relief when Bobby nods.

Accepting Maddie’s call takes a second as he places it to his ear, a small grin on his face as he answers the phone completely, before it slides off as he hears the panic voice of his sister, instantly flashing back to when they were young before he shakes his head and tries to calm her down.

“Maddie, Maddie, c’mon, I can’t -- Maddie,  _ breathe _ ,” he shouts, feeling his own panic rising at his sister’s panic, instantly walking to his car so he can make his way to her house, to try and calm her down. Placing the phone onto speaker, he tosses it gently into the passenger side seat before starting his car and barrelling out of the parking spot, trying to calm Maddie down with his words, knowing if Athena ever saw him, he would be done for.

Traffic is slow, for once, and Buck finds himself so grateful for that as he makes his way to his sister’s, wondering what she’s even doing home still since she’s usually working by this time. He doesn’t think about it though as he finally parks into her driveway and shuts the car off, grabbing his phone and ending the call, the sound of Maddie’s panicked breaths filling his ears even though it’s not possible.

Getting to Maddie’s door is easy, made easier by the fact that it’s opened with her in front of it, eyes wide and wet, tear stains down her cheeks as she continues trying to breath. Buck doesn’t know what’s happened, his arms wrapping around his sister immediately as he tries to shush her, guilt creeping along the spine of his back when he sees that that’s not working.

“Mads, c’mon, breathe with me,” he pleads, slowly turning her so her back is against his chest, his breathing becoming more controlled as he tries his hardest to get his sister to pull through this. Slowly, he begins leading her down towards her living area, the couch the only thing on his mind as he wonders what could have possibly set his sister off this bad, when not even her abusive ex had her acting like this.

“C’mon Maddie, little brother needs you right now, needs you to breathe,” he sing-songs, remembering the words he used to sing when he was younger and Maddie was younger, and their home life was completely  _ shitty _ . He doesn’t have to wait long for Maddie to slowly begin breathing normally again, though it feels like an eternity when he finally does let go of her shoulders and moves Maddie away from his chest, watching her carefully.

“Evan?” He hears and Buck feels his entire body relax at her voice, questioning, wondering. He realizes how warm he is, realizes he was sweating, nervous, and he lets out another breath before looking towards his sister.

“Do you remember what happened?” He asks, biting on the inside of his cheek as he waits for Maddie to look at him, still frowning. He wants answers, wants answers to a lot of things but doesn’t know how he could go about getting them without pressuring his sister, and so he continues to wait, feeling like he did when he was ten and alone and Maddie was always panicking. 

“I uh -- I called you. Did I have a panic attack?” Maddie asks and Buck can only hum in response, not sure what he could say. They both know that the last time Maddie had a panic attack, it wasn’t good for either of them, and that was something that was ingrained into both of them.

“What’s going on, Mads?” Buck finds himself questioning after a few moments, moving his body around so his knees are tucked under his chin as Maddie looks at him and then wipes at her face, breathing deeply a few times. From that alone, Buck knows that whatever he’s about to hear isn’t going to be something he likes, so he looks at Maddie more carefully. He takes in the lines on her face, and how red and puffy her cheeks are. She’s clearly been crying for a long time, probably all night, and the thought of her being alone and crying bugs him, mainly because he knows Chimney worked an extra shift.

“So uh, there was this call. A while back. And I guess--” Maddie begins, shaking her head as she begins to cry once more. Moving closer to his sister, Buck wraps an arm around her shoulders, letting her relax into his chest as she tries to find the words.

“What happened, Mads?” He asks, frowning.

“The call made me -- it sounded a lot like a domestic violence call. And she had called five times in two months, so --” Maddie begins and Buck gets a feeling in the pit of his stomach, feeling like he knows where this is going to go and feeling bad for his sister.

“Mads,” he whispers, eyes widening as he turns slightly, ignoring the chuckle Maddie lets out, or how she tilts her head in acknowledgement.

“I was stupid. So damn stupid. I found out where she worked. I went to where she worked, and pretended to be her friend. I  _ wanted _ to be her friend, I did. I wanted to help her, and be there for her, in the way I never had anyone there for me, and --” Maddie breathes, letting out a groan as Buck begins to stroke her shoulder, understanding her point of view but also understanding how bad this could be.

“I pretended to be her friend, because I thought she was being abused. And I told her I was a nurse, instead of a dispatcher, and then she bumped into Chimney and me one night and --” Maddie sobs, shaking her head, hiding her face in Buck’s chest before continuing on.

“And Chimney -- he told me that what I was doing was like what Doug was doing to him. And that  _ hurt _ . So much. And I was going to tell her, I  _ was _ , but then she found out on her own, and she came to the center to put in a complaint about me, and now I’m not allowed to work until I get  _ help _ ,” Maddie spits out and Buck cringes at the anger at that last word, knows it’s not Maddie’s fault, it’s just how they were raised.

“I can’t -- I can’t step back onto the floor until I’m  _ okay _ ,” she sobs, and Buck wraps his arms around her, understanding her position and understanding her bosses and feeling for her completely. He remains quiet for a few minutes, letting her finish crying into his chest until she finds herself ready to pull away. It takes another few minutes, but when she does, there’s a wet spot on his white shirt that makes him wrinkle his nose before ignoring it, smiling at his sister as she lets out another chuckle.

“I was so wrong, I know that, but I just. I wanted to help her,” Maddie whispers and Buck nods, knowing what Maddie means. It’s all they want to do, Buckley’s -- they want to help people, and it shouldn’t surprise any of them, with how they grew up but Buck, Buck doesn’t know what kind of shape his sister will be in, especially to hear what he thinks.

“What are you thinking?” Maddie whispers and Buck lets out his own chuckle, not surprised that she can read his mind, the two always have been close despite the age difference. Moving his one hand to his face, Buck gently rubs at his cheeks before letting it relax, moving his head to kiss the top of Maddie’s head, staying quiet for a few minutes as he tries to think of what he could say without his older sister hating him forever -- even though he knows she wouldn’t, knows she would understand, especially after everything they have all been through.

“I think Chimney kind of is right. You befriended the person under false pretenses, which is what Doug did. Unlike your abusive asshole ex, however, you did it for a good reason, Mads.” Buck whispers, and he can feel his sister nodding her head, and his body relaxes a little bit more when she does, knowing she’s not mad and truly thinking about his words.

“You didn’t go about it the right way. But when do us Buckley’s ever go about things the right way?” Buck chuckles and Maddie scoffs, knowing he’s absolutely right. They both stay quiet for a few minutes before Buck lets out a soft sigh and moves his body more so he’s facing his sister instead of comforting her, feeling confident by the way she herself has been moving that she’s feeling over-comforted.

“The best you can do, Mads, is go get the help the center wants you to get. I’m sure it’ll end up better than how it ended with me,” he responds with a scoff, rubbing his leg as he tries not to think about the therapist he slept with, and how he felt so dirty after. “Plus, talking to someone will help. You’re suffering from PTSD. We both know it, especially after killing the man you were once in love with - you never talked to anyone about it, and I get  _ why _ , but --” Buck stops, trying to catch his breath as he bites his lower lip and shrugs his shoulders. 

“Like you would know if it helps?” Maddie chuckles and Buck -- Buck lets out a scoff before tilting his acknowledgement. 

“Kind of, yeah. Sort of.” Buck responds, watching as Maddie frowns and looks at him some more, eyebrows furrowed as she tries to understand what he means. It’s not something he’s ever discussed before, and he knows it shouldn’t be with Maddie, but if he does, she can definitely help him find actual help. Hell, maybe she could ask her help for a list of people, if only it meant --

“Buck?” Maddie asks, interrupting his thoughts as he looks at her and smiles.

“I uh - Bobby told me to see some help, after I lost someone on one of my calls. I was having a hard time coping with the loss, so he gave me the name of someone to see.” Buck begins, looking away as Maddie frowns at him.

“Things were going really well, at first, you know? I was opening up, talking about how I was feeling, wasn’t even flirting with the counselor,” Buck begins with a snort, shaking his head before placing it in his hands and running his fingers through his hair in a fit of frustration. “And then I realized I had recognized the woman. She had added me online, as a friend, a little while beforehand -- I had been on the local news, so I had an uptick of followers and such. And then -- “ Buck trails off, shrugging, not sure how he could possibly explain what had happened next. It appeared he didn’t need to though, with how Maddie had opened her mouth in a gasp, hands covering it as her eyes widened.

“Evan,” she whispers, moving forward to place her hand on his knee, ignoring it when he jolts in surprise and something else he doesn’t want to name as he lets himself look up at his older sister, his own eyes beginning to water.

“Have you told anyone?” She asks, and he knows she already knows the answer, but he shakes his head regardless, wiping at his eyes as he lets out a small, condescending laugh. 

“I was Buck 1.0, Mads. I had sex  _ a lot _ . And a lot of the sex I had was….considered scandalous,” he responds, shaking his head once more. “No one ever really knew I was doing it as a coping method, so,” he also added with a shrug of his shoulders, ignoring how Maddie frowns, realizing he’s never told any of his family the truth about how they grew up. She must decide to talk about that later though, because she squeezes his knee and then leans away from him, opening and closing her mouth before blowing out a breath.

“After? What happened after?” Maddie asks, and Buck shakes his head.

“Nothing. We -- well, we had a quickie, and then she said it would be best if it was never mentioned again, and then I never went back, and I never saw anyone else, and there was Abby, and --” Buck begins and stops before letting out his own, quiet sob.

“We have issues, Mads. We’ve had issues since we were kids. Maybe it’s time we get those issues fixed in a healthy way.” Buck whispers, terror running through him over the idea of talking to someone about  _ everything _ , but he can see in Maddie’s eyes that maybe he has a point.

“It’s a scary thought, isn’t it,” she asks, the question rhetorical, even though he nods in agreement nonetheless before relaxing his shoulders, not realizing how tense he had grown. “But maybe you’re right, Buck. Maybe we need to open up more, and get help, and… move on,” Maddie says and Buck continues to nod, not having anything else to add to the conversation in this one moment.

The two of them remain silent for a long time, their thoughts running rampant as they continue to take comfort and solace in one another. It’s been a long time since they were able to do just that, and Buck can feel himself feeling at ease in a way he hasn’t in a long time, his eyes moving to Maddie every few minutes as his face forms a smile whenever he catches her looking his way also, before both let out a laugh and then begin nudging one another.

“Do you want me to get you a list of people to see?” Maddie asks, and Buck feels something akin to relief going through him as he nods gratefully at his sister, thankful he didn’t have to come outright and ask, never good at asking for help. It’s something she knows, though, so she squeezes his hand before getting up and heading towards the kitchen, pulling out two mugs and starting her coffee machine, grinning up at Buck before nodding towards him.

“What happened to your arm?” Buck frowns, before snorting, a small grin on his face.

“So, you’ll never believe it, but there was this lady with a man through her windshield, just driving around LA without a care in the world.” Buck begins, about to continue before noticing Maddie’s eyes widen.

“I received a call about that. I told dispatch, but I figured since I never heard anything of it, it was just a decoration!” Maddie chuckles, while Buck laughs, shaking his head.

“Definitely not just a decoration. Dude had been in the windshield for two days? I managed to stop the lady, called for an ambulance, and got the guy out safely, but received a few superficial cuts on my arm in return.” Buck nods, his laugh turning into a frown as he caresses the bandage on his arm, ignoring how Maddie comes to him carefully, placing down their mugs before grabbing his hand and squeezing.

“I was so scared, Mads. I’ve never bled that much due to a superficial cut, and because of the thinners, I was bleeding like I was back under that damn truck,” Buck responds, shaking his head. “Hell, I feel like I’ve been in a constant state of fear,” he added, eyes wide as he looks towards Maddie with a frown before letting out a huff of breath.

“What’s going on, Buck?” Maddie questions, knowing there’s something more that he’s not saying. He knows it’s because they grew up together, knows it’s because Maddie knows when he wants to talk or doesn’t, or when there’s more he’s not saying. He doesn’t know how to talk about it though, and blinks at her for a few minutes, silently pondering as she stirs her drink and Buck drinks his own drink, humming softly at the taste of the tea in his mug, not realizing Maddie even  _ had _ tea to offer him.

“I was back for one day Maddie, and I saw Eddie all bruised up and in pain. One day, and I noticed immediately. And then he said he was roughhousing with Christopher and it’s like… he wouldn’t roughhouse to the point of bruising  _ himself _ , so it was clearly a lie. And then when he forgave me, we hugged, and he pulled away in  _ pain _ , Maddie, and I don’t --” Buck begins before trailing off, panting, rubbing his chest like he’s going to end up coughing up more blood in a few moments. He can see that the movement worries his sister, but it’s not something he focuses on at that moment, instead choosing to think about the fact that Eddie is clearly hiding something from everyone on the team, Buck included.

He doesn’t know how he feels about that, though, just knows it makes something inside his chest hurt, and he continues to rub it, a frown on his face as he looks at Maddie, watching her go through her thought processes, waiting.

“Are you worried that he’s hiding something dangerous?” Maddie eventually asks and Buck lets out a small breath, his lips turning downwards to form a frown as he wonders if that is indeed the case.

“Maybe? I just --- he’s either sick, and not telling anyone, or he’s doing something dangerous, and not telling anyone, and both are ideas that terrify me. Because if I had been around, if I hadn’t decided to go through with the lawsuit, then he either would have told me if he was sick, or possibly wouldn’t have started doing something dangerous,” he states slowly, biting his lower lip as he thinks about the thoughts running through his mind. Eventually, Buck brings his hand up to rub his forehead, a small headache forming as he looks at Maddie with a small shrug.

“I know he’s lying, and it hurts, but it feels like I don’t have a leg to stand on because of everything that I caused the team to go through,” Buck whispers, ignoring the way his sister frowns and moves forward, squeezing his hands and trying to meet his eyes.

“Evan, yes, the team had to deal with your lawsuit. But you went through your own shit, and they weren’t around. You felt lonely, and hurt and isolated. And it sucks, yes. Especially since Bobby and Eddie held that against you when they shouldn’t have. But if Eddie was serious about forgiving you and moving on, he’s not going to hold this against you, when you eventually try to help.” Maddie finishes and Buck looks at her, wide eyed and mouth opened before he closes it with a snap and nods his head, smiling softly. 

“You always know how to get through to me,” he chuckles, removing his one hand to wipe at his eyes, unsure of when he started to tear up. Maddie laughs alongside him, squeezing his hand once more before getting up and stretching.

“Do you want to head out for a bit? We haven’t just hung around with one another in quite a while, just us Buckley’s,” Maddie teases, and Buck can only laugh before nodding, standing up himself and stretching before heading towards the door. He doesn’t know where they’ll go, but wherever it is, he knows they’ll have fun, talk a bit more about therapy and therapists and then get out of their heads, just like they always do.

* * *

The next few days pass by in a blur for Buck, mainly due to how busy it’s become after Halloween but also because he’s been taking note of every bruise Eddie has on him that he can see. Not just that, but every excuse he uses, every time he flinches away from Buck and his hugs and pats. Each time Buck tries to bring it up to Eddie, Eddie brushes him off and there’s a part of Buck that hurts over that fact, because once upon a time, Eddie would tell him everything. But he’s not stupid, and he sees how Eddie goes to Bosko for these things and that hurts even more, in a way that Buck doesn’t really want to think about, knowing it will just make his insecurities grow.

By the time the week is over, Buck feels like Eddie is still pushing him out and away. Sure, he might have said he’s been forgiven, but their relationship has changed - they don’t really talk -- or, they haven’t talked this week, and there’s an emptiness in his chest that he doesn’t want to explain -- and Buck hasn’t spotted for Eddie, either, which was something he always did. Bosko has Eddie’s back on calls, which he  _ really _ tries not to think about, and Eddie has her’s, which hurts just as much as one would think.

It’s like he’s been forgiven, but not forgotten, and he doesn’t know what to do with that, especially when Eddie snaps at him when he sees Buck eyeing his bruises, or when Buck asks about Chris and --

Buck is tired, because everyone else is alright with him. 

And it’s the last day before he has a day off, the end of the week, a midnight shift, and Eddie already has the day off, so Buck feels like he can relax, thank goodness. It’s been a while between calls, and the team actually managed to eat a meal together, though Buck felt off without Eddie sitting to his right, but he ignored it, laughing with Hen and Chim while they made jokes, rolling his eyes when they find out how much money he could have had and they rib him for it.

“No amount of money would have gotten me what I wanted, you guys.”

“And what could that have possibly been, Buckaroo?” Chim laughs before Buck looks at him with a small smile.

“My family. You guys.” He says with a shrug, smirking a little when the table grows silent before continuing onwards, knowing how everyone is feeling shocked by that news. Everything is fine though, shortly after the dinner has finished, and as he relaxes on the couch available, he lets his body relax, eyes slipping closed.

And then the alarm goes off, and everything changes.

His body is on auto-pilot as he makes his way to the trucks, grabbing what’s needed and climbing up, nodding towards Chim and Bobby who were close enough to also be in the truck. They’re not waiting long before Hen and Bosko appear and the truck is off, heading towards an area Buck has only heard of due to his brothers.

He’s quiet during the drive, frowning as they eventually arrive to a junkyard with flames surrounding it and cop cars surrounding those, a bad feeling growing in the pit of his stomach as he eventually jumps out of the truck with the others and sees Athena almost immediately.

“What do we have, Athena?” Bobby questions, the team moving together seamlessly, though Bosko lags a step behind, something Buck can’t help but secretly snort at before he stops himself from getting distracted completely and pays attention to what Athena is saying.

“Street fight turned bad - two guys were fighting, one was knocked down, didn’t get back up, though he is breathing. The guy who did the knocking is in shock, so someone called it in while others fled.” Athena snaps, and Buck can understand, his face forming a grimace over the idea of street fighting. Briefly, he hopes none of his brothers have gotten back into the habit, vowing to ask Maddie, see if she’s talked to any of them since last year, before he focuses once more on Athena.

“By the way, the person who called this in? It’s Diaz.” She says, eyes flicking towards Buck, who feels his heart stop and fall into his stomach but arches his eyebrow and scowls.

“ _ Our _ Diaz? Surely he’s not  _ that _ stupid,” Buck responds moving forward, past Athena with a small smile, which she nods at, making his way to the opening, his family behind him before he comes to a stop at spotting Eddie, kneeling in front of the guy that was knocked down.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” he groans, moving forward, anger coursing through his body. Briefly he hears Bobby give a list of orders, and he listens momentarily, hearing he’s going to be replacing Eddie’s spot, and he’s glad for that, in this moment.

“Move.” He snaps, his hands replacing Eddie’s, following protocol and getting lost in making sure everything is completed to the best of his ability, no matter how furious he is with the older man.

“Eva---” He hears Eddie begin and it’s like his entire body is a wired ready to snap, because the moment he hears Eddie, he turns toward him with a scowl, eyes narrowing.

“No. Not now. Because if this happens now,  _ I’m _ going to be the one getting arrested,  _ Diaz _ ,” Buck snaps, ignoring the flinch Eddie does, going back to the man in front of him. After a few minutes, Buck and the rest of the team are standing up, the man on a gurney, heading towards the ambulance, which causes Buck to relax only slightly.

“Buck,” he hears and he can feel his entire body tensing as he turns towards Eddie, the entire team tensing alongside him, circling them, ready to jump in if need be.

“No.” Buck growls out, hands clenched into fists as he tries to breath through the fury coursing through him. “Right now, you’re going to clean yourself up and go home to Christopher. You’re going to be extremely grateful that it’s not  _ you _ that was knocked out cold on the ground, and that there wasn’t a possibility you had left your son  _ alone _ in this world because of your idiotic urges to never  _ talk _ about what’s going on with you. I’m going to finish my shift. And then, I’m going to go to your house once I’ve calmed down, so I don’t yell at you, and we’re going to talk about this, because what you’re doing here? Is incredibly stupid.” Buck snaps, his shoulders slumping as he tries to relax, Bobby stepping forward.

“How long have you been street fighting, Eddie?” He asks, and Buck can see him open and close his mouth a few times before slumping forwards, nodding.

“Since uh, since after the tsunami, really. A few days after Buck introduced the lawsuit. Bosko introduced it to me,” he admits and Buck finds himself growling, spinning around to spot Bosko, who had taken a step back with a cringe.

“What on  _ earth _ would make you think that suggesting street fighting to this man would be helpful?” He snaps, stepping forward and crossing his arms in front of his chest, anger vibrating through him as Bosko glares.

“He was  _ angry _ . He had gone to jail because of his anger issues. I provided him an outlet,” she snaps back, eyes narrowing when Buck scoffs.

“And did you think for one second what would happen if he was  _ caught _ ? If he killed someone, or got injured? Or injured one of us on the job because  _ he _ was too hurt?” Buck snaps right back, shaking his head. “He has a kid to take care of at home. He’s the only parent to a brilliant kid, a kid who would be  _ devastated _ over losing his father so soon after he lost his mother. Did you think about that? Or if he lost his job, what he would have done then?” Buck adds, stepping forward, ignoring the feeling of Chim trying to push him away, too angry to listen to reason this moment.

“Why would I?” Bosko snaps and Buck laughs, laughs in a way the team hasn’t heard from him ever, in a way that normally scares his siblings.

“Because someone who's meant to have their partner’s back should be!” He snaps before turning around and glaring at Eddie. He steps closer, and he can tell Bobby is unsure over how much closer he should let Buck step, but he isn’t stopped, and Buck is thankful for that as he stops in front of Eddie, nearly nose to nose.

“You were being stupid, and I’m  _ furious _ with you over it. You were hypocritical with me, and I’m furious with you over that as well. You weren’t thinking about the consequences, which yeah, I  _ get _ , but it’s not just you that you have to think about Eddie,” Buck says, voice quiet, knowing this isn’t something he wants everyone to hear. “And I wasn’t joking when I said you’re going to go home and realize how grateful you should be. I’ll talk to you later. But you ever do this shit again man? You’re going to be losing a lot more than just your anger issues,” Buck responds, walking away and heading towards the truck, waiting for Bobby and the others to appear. He can hear Bobby scolding Eddie, telling Bosko she’s moving back to her original team and suspending Eddie, and he doesn’t feel sorry, not even when the others climb in and the truck makes its way back to the station.

The rest of the shift passed by slowly, like the anger passing through Buck’s system but eventually, it’s over and he’s on his way home before hopping into the shower, relaxing himself enough before heading out to Eddie’s home, fingers tapping worriedly on the steering wheel as he makes his way over.

* * *

The moment Eddie dials 911, he knows he’s fucked. The moment he sees Athena, he knows it just got worse. The moment he sees Buck, though? He knows there’s no coming back from this, knows he’s going to have to do a lot of apologizing and talking with Buck in order for them to move on from this. Eddie is terrified about having to talk about everything he’s feeling, but he knows Buck isn’t going to let it go, not this time.

The moment Eddie saw the anger in Buck’s eyes, he knew he was screwed, knew just how much he messed up. He knew that Buck wanted to continue what they had started before the embolism had occurred, but he had continued pulling away from Buck, scared, and Eddie -- Eddie didn’t know how to react to everything he was feeling. But then Buck was yelling, and Eddie was hurt emotionally, and Buck was yelling some more and Eddie --

Eddie finally saw some sense when Buck mentioned Chris. Eddie felt like an idiot, not realizing it sooner. When he finally made it home, he was thankful that he hadn’t fought yet because Christopher was still awake, and asking questions and Eddie knew he’d be tense if this had occurred with him bloody and bruised.

He doesn’t know how much time has passed by the time he’s been home to the time Buck is knocking on his front door - just knows he’s showered and changed and cooked some food because he needs to be busy, and Christopher is awake and frowning at the door, since it’s a weekend and Eddie is nervous, so nervous.

Before he can even think about opening the door though, it’s opening itself and Eddie’s heart is pounding inside his chest, though he can’t help but smile at Christopher’s excitement over seeing his Buck again, or how Buck twirls him around slightly while saying hello It makes his heart hurt, because he could lose this, and that -- that’s not something he wants.

“Hey buddy, why don’t you go play in your room for a bit. Your dad and I need to talk,” Buck says after a few minutes, smiling when Christopher agrees, following him to his room and staying there as Eddie continues to try and remain busy, losing track of the time and nearly jumping when Buck is in front of him. His hands shake as he turns towards the man, letting out a small breath as he holds onto the counter.

“Hi,” he whispers, looking away briefly before looking back at Buck and biting his lower lip. The two stayed silent, and it’s awkward, and Eddie doesn’t know how to feel about it. Eventually, though, he looks up at Buck and sighs.

“I’m sorry. You were right. I wasn’t thinking about the consequences. I was just so full of anger, and I didn’t have you around to help me through it. Normally I would have gone to you, but I couldn’t, and it all just started bottling up until I exploded.” Eddie ends up whispering, shoulders slumping as Buck moves to stand across from him, hands going to his waist and moving Eddie so he’s in Buck’s space.

The move is effortless and Eddie doesn’t stop himself from wrapping his own arms around Buck’s middle, moving slightly so they’re hugging and he feels himself relaxing completely, trying not to break out into sobs.

“I’m sorry, Evan,” he whispers, his hold on the younger man tightening as Buck hums softly and rocks the two of them.

“Just, don’t do it again, Eddie. Please. I know I made mistakes, and you made mistakes, but I can’t -- I can’t lose you, and Christopher can’t lose you. We love you, okay?” Buck whispers and Eddie nods, before pulling away and wiping his eyes, chuckling momentarily.

“I think maybe you’re my impulse control,” he whispers, Buck snorting before he leans down and kisses him. And it’s been too long since they’ve kissed, and Eddie feels like he’s at home at long last, letting himself get lost in the kiss as the time passes before they break away.

“C’mon. Let’s go play with Christopher. We can talk more about this later,” Buck says and Eddie nods, squeezing his hand.

“I am sorry, though,” he whispers, smiling when Buck nods, the two of them moving to Christopher’s room. They may not be alright now, but they’re getting there, definitely.

**Author's Note:**

> Concrit is definitely welcomed for this one. Come yell at me over on my [tumblr](https://laumeidelfin.tumblr.com)


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